A Sense Of The Past

Memories…
Locked inside a smell
Revealing pictures in my mind

“This foot cream smells like Nozema”
I said innocently enough
Not realizing the buried connections
About to be released

“I’ve never used Nozema” she said
And I realized I never had either
“Why do I know this smell?”
I asked myself

Then an image flashed in my mind
I felt sick to my stomach
Like I had been punched in the gut

There, in my mind’s eye
Was Gary
Standing in front of the bathroom mirror
His hair pulled back with a woman’s headband
The smell of Nozema permeating my breathing space
As he washed his face with the cream
Enjoying the femininity of the moment

I hated that part of him
I tried not to look at it
It made me feel inadequate, less of a woman

I hated that he enjoyed it
He thought about that woman all the time
He was obsessed with her

I wouldn’t go to bed, I’d linger watching TV
Hoping he would fall asleep before I joined him
I’d try to drink away my repulsion
Not knowing what to expect
When I’d finally relent, going to bed in a stupor

I’d crawl in bed
My husband gone
With a smell of Nozema
Reminding me she was there

April 15, 2002 Elaine Carlson